My crimes were not "sexually motivated". Nor were they "cold-blooded" (unemotional) and "senseless" (without cause), as those who need to justify their delusion of "authority" would have us believe. My crimes WOULD be these things if they were directed senselessly, cold-bloodily, and sexually toward the children I attacked. But, of course, the children were only the means, not the end.
My crimes were directed at the perceived source of my "powerlessness", which for me at the time was society in general. Society locked me up when I was a kid (16 years old) for more than half my life (over 17 years) because I acted out of confusion that society itself was directly responsible for (by sending so many hypocritically mixed messages regarding appropriate sexual behavior and identity with limited and restricted means of resolution that were never made available to me). So I lashed back out against society in the exact same way it lashed out against me in order to "send a message" (i.e. indirectly "punish") those who had hurt me.
In my case, the "message" was meant for everyone who ever judged and condemned "sex offenders": And the message was, "I am here, and you can't do anything about it!" (e.g.) The children I attacked were simply the ripest medium for sending my message, which is what made them so "sexually appealing" to me (i.e. "sexual motivation" is based on deeply emotional needs, as every psychological study will tell you, though the government - i.e. those who need you to feel that you need their "protection" and thus their "authority" doesn't want you to know).
The key to understanding what I'm saying here is the realization that no one acts according to what they THINK. We all act according to our perceived emotional "needs". So there are no government officials sitting in some office somewhere figuring out how to deceive the public into giving them power and control, or "authority". Instead, there are people, just like you and me, who "FEEL" that it is necessary for them to do what they do. They "feel" the need to "protect innocent people" for deeply emotional reasons. And, they "feel" the need for "authority" in order to fulfill these "needs". Thus, they "feel" threatened and offended by anything or anyone who defies their "authority", and so they act in ways intended to protect it, sometimes consciously, but mostly without thinking about the real reasons they act at all.
And so I too acted out of a deeply emotional "need" to "attack innocent children" in direct response to those who sought (and continue to seek) "authority" so they can take power and control away from people like me. This is the "vicious cycle of violence" that this blog tries to illustrate, and that lead me to act the way I did. I "woke up" though, and realized in the midst of my "crimes" that what I was doing was no different than what had been done to me! This realization made me stop, and literally turn myself in (as the record shows). This blog is written in part out of the personal hope that it might some day inspire someone else to stop, and realize why they do what they do. It is not because of what we think, and what others have done to us. It is because or what we feel, and what we do to ourselves.
This is the oldest "message" and "wisdom" of all. It is the truth, which can only be seen without judgment. It can only be understood when we stop blaming others and even ourselves for what we do, our actions, and our "crimes". It can only be "heard" when we "listen" without thought, without ego, and without need or desire. Only then will we understand as I understood, if only for a moment, that we are all connected, we are all one and the same. No one is to blame, and there are no heroes, or monsters, only us.
[J.D. April 11, 2019]
